It's a mental thing.

Hahahahahaaaaa! The kids have fallen under the "healthy shake" spell!!!!! My evil plan is working...heheheheheheeeeee....*said evilly*. 

They have finally been paying attention to what I have been eating, and now are following in my footsteps.....:D  That really makes me happy...I am on the way to changing some things. Not that they need drastic changes...just minor ones, because they have been eating well all along. I have been just too lazy to do the same for me. 

So I put this down a few hours ago.....truthfully, a lot of hours ago...lol.....am really tired now, and just realizing that I haven't a clue what I was going to say......So I guess this blog was a complete waste of time....hahahahaha!

I had a piece of cake tonight....agh! NO WILL POWER! But I did my Shred, I helped on the farm, and was on the go all day..I am sure I that I burned a few calories...:) Still feeling guilty....what is the allowance on having treats???

OH! I remember what I was going to say....(I re-read the title)  It was about how I feel.....Even though I know that there could not possibly be any way that I would notice a difference in the size or shape of my body yet (it's been 4 days), my brain is still looking at myself in the mirror and insisting that there is a change. I totally believe that it is a mental thing. I feel better, from eating better, and exercise...I know what my goal is, and I am happy with myself.....so I look at myself and am happy with what I see happening. But there isn't anything happening yet...does this make sense??  Though I thrive on reality, it's nice to know that the mental me, is looking out for, and taking care of the emotional me..:)

My Daughter's Laughter is My Best Medicine

I have had a pretty good day, I have really nothing to complain about. I accomplished some cleaning, some crafts for the kids, cooking, and taking care of the baby, etc....I really didn't think that I needed cheering up...or that I needed a lift in any way. I was sitting here quite content with life itself.

So imagine my surprise, and pleasure to find out that there was soooo much more to enjoy right at this moment..:) And it all has to do with my 4 yr old. 

See, each one of my kids has a special quality that stands out in them, more than the others. This is true with all kids, and I love each thing that makes them who they are. For example, my oldest, and my only son, has the softest heart of anyone I know. He refuses to see the bad in anyone, and he loves to help anyone out. I am constantly getting calls about him holding doors for people at school, keeping someone company when they need it, or cheering someone up when they aren't having a good day. He is very pure at heart, and people know that they can count on him for it.

My 2nd child, my oldest daughter,  is a smart ass. In the very nicest sense of the word..lol! She can comeback with a witty remark faster than you can take a breath, and she is 7! She very hard working, and determined, and beyond smart. She has a great personality, and I have yet to meet a person child or otherwise, that doesn't love her. 

My 4th child, and 3rd daughter, the baby, just turned  2yrs old......and for all of you who have or have had a 2 yr old, you know what I mean when I say HILARIOUS. From her 15 minute phone conversations, to her explanations on everything (with her eyes rolled to the ceiling, and her extreme hand gestures), the way she gets excited about things, eats things, does ANYTHING. She is beyond fabulous, and I am so in love with her....lol.

But my 4 yr old, the one who I was talking about at the beginning, is the type of kid who always makes you feel good about yourself. She seems to know just the right time that I need to hear an "I love you", or when she comes up to me, and tells me how beautiful I am.....or when she, out of the blue, comes up, grabs my hands and asks me to marry her..!!!!!!!  Yes! How do you not LOVE that?!?!? Anyway, the other thing that just lifts your soul, is her laugh.....and you would think that after 4 yrs, it wouldn't affect me the same way....and it doesn't. If anything, it gets to me waay more. So there she was, playing with our dog, on the floor, and the dog was jumping on her, over her, around her.....and she. was. roaring. Like huge, deep down in the belly laughs, and poof, a lifted soul. I wasn't looking for it, I didn't need it, I wasn't expecting it.....and then I got it. Like that extra burst of energy that you get when you least expect it. And now  find that there are definite levels of contentment...and even when you think that you are at your highest level, there is something out there that can raise it more. 

I am sure that this is true in much of life, you just need to really think about it. Really try to apply it. It could be the smallest thing that makes a difference. My children are my inspiration to live a better life, and enjoy it that much more. What could really be wrong in my world when I have belly laughs and marriage proposals!?!? 

Well hell......

So there I was, in the kitchen cleaning the disaster area that was worse than normal, and I was thinking all these quirky, cool (to me..lol) and interesting things that I wanted to write about....do you think that I can remember them now?!?!?  Well hell........

I know that one of those things was about the yummy Split pea and Ham soup that I currently have coming together in the slow cooker.....it smells really good...hopefully it tastes the same! It is my first try at it, and I am craving craving craving it! Of course, it won't be done till after supper....but that's ok...I will let it do it's thing all night and then have it for lunch tomorrow....tomorrow??  Toooommmooorrooww!!!  Are you here yet?!?!??! Damn.

Not only does this recipe that I used sound and smelly nummy so far...it is pretty darn good for you too! At about 150 cals a serving!  Not shabby huh!?!?!?  I can only hope that no one else likes it, so I can have it all to myself....and that the gaseous consequences aren't too bad for the hubs to handle...heheheheehe!! Bombs Away!!!!!!!!!   

So if it proves to be yummy, and not too deadly, I will post the recipe..:)  Maybe I should make another blog with just recipes?!?!? Is that how that can work.???  It would keep it nice and organized in my mind.....excuse the mild ocd. I have it in very few, strange cases......

On a different note, as I was just getting up, off the couch, for the third time since starting this, to stop my 2 yr old from another disaster, it occurred to me......Who in the frig thought that these reclining seats on the couch were a good idea?!?!?!?  Why would they let sadistic morons build us such contraptions?!?!?  Can't they see how MUCH my legs hurt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ooohh...the Shred....Ooohh...Jillian Michaels. Yes...I love the workout...Yes, I have seen results in a very close friend.....but holy hell. My legs are hurting. I have to brace myself to sit down, I have to brace myself to go pee, I am scared to bend my legs to walk down the stairs...ow ow ow ow ow! Then I think, AH! I can take a few minutes, do my thing, Sit down and relax....then the pain goes away, to the mysterious place that it hides, and I forget about it....(do we all have short term memory like this!?) Then I have to get up...I sit up , and swing the feet down , and OW!  Rigggght. My Legs Hurt! How did I let that one slip by me??  *insert forehead smack here* They should take this into consideration when putting this equipment together. There should have been a post-it attached to the blueprints saying, *Please modify the reclining option, to accommodate the fools who decide to do a workout, then relax on our very fine product,  and then subsequently forget that their limbs are about to fall off from said workout, as it hurts.* That's not hard right!?!?! Is it too much to ask??  Maybe I will stay here the whole day.....hahahahahaha! nope..:) Til tomorrow...bye bye!

Gnawing on my leg!

So here I am at the end of day 1 of my "eat right, exercise, feel better" mission...and how do I feel???  LIKE HELL!!! I am not really hungry, but my body is telling me I am....I would gladly kill to get my hands on something crunchy, like chips, or sweet, like chocolate! It makes me wonder how much of an addict, I really was.....how much I ate without paying attention. What I ate without paying attention. Is it my body really craving it, or is in all in my head, because I know that I haven't allowed myself the satisfaction of eating the junk......well..mostly. I did steal 6 fries from the hubby...and 2 bites of his burger. But my belly is grumbling, and I want to eat! But it is 10 pm...and I said I wasn't going to eat after supper.....grrrrrrr. If day 1 is this much hell...I am going to be stark raving mad by day 4!  I can see myself stalking some poor, unknowing person, and jumping on them to gnaw on their nummy flesh. RAWR! RED MEAT!! *slobber slobber*

Oh yeah baby...that's classy. It is ridiculous to me to imagine that I am going to have such a hard time with this! I want to do it! But it is so easy to say, "Nah...I don't care anymore" Grrrrr. In my pain of healthy eating today, I have promised myself, that for one evening a week, I will allow myself to have a normal, eat what I want, kinda meal. Maybe the knowledge of this will help me get through.

I did my exercises today.....thought I was gonna puke, but hey! That's just one more way to lose the weight right?  Ok....Ok....baaaad joke. Give me a break, I'm desperate here! And it's only DAY 1!!!!!! Anyways, I ate well, I did my Shred, I took a walk, and I am exhausted. I did get the lawn mowed, and went on an evening adventure with a friend, had tea with a different friend this morning, sent the kids to school, got them ready and sent to soccer...not in that order of course, but it was just as it came to me...hehehe.  So it was a productive day, the biggest downer being that my 2 yr old, started puking this afternoon, and we thought it was maybe the heat, so brought her in, bathed her, and snuggled...thought she was ok...till the soccer field, where I am told she woofed it twice more, to my husbands delight...lol! Well, at least he didn't wear it all down the front like I did earlier in the day...that's enough to put anyone off eating! With that image in your head...nighty night!

BIG time rush....

Ooh....I promised myself that I was going to allot a good amount of time to do this blog.....I told myself that I was going to make it a priority....and on day 2, I find myself rushing to write what I am thinking because of the hectic life of the kids and my husband, and in turn, me. So in the very few minutes that I have, before I rush out the door for soccer, I'll do my thing.:) 

I have a goal. I want to see this goal through. The problem is, that I hardly ever see a goal through, or a project, or any idea really. I am not a completer.  It's my lot in life. I have to learn to accept it. But I think that there are always exceptions to the rule, and this is going to be one of them. I am aiming to lose weight. How much? Does it matter? Shouldn't it matter that I just want to be healthier, more energetic person. Oh, believe me, I want to be skinnier too....lol, I am not passing up that opportunity! But I want to believe that I mainly want to be healthier...at this point, that is B.S....hahahaha! 

So, some background info. I am 28 yrs old, I am about 5'9, and I weigh in at 152 lbs, at the present time. Not an extreme weight, not even out of the "normal" zone for my age and height, but I don't think it has to do so much with weight, as it has to do with image. I hate my body. I know, I know. I have birthed 4 children in 8 years, so that contributes. And I get it, it could be worse. But for me, personally, it is awful. Somewhere between baby #2 and baby #3, I lost a bunch of weight (about 20 lbs), toned it up , and felt really, really good! That is where I want to be.  I in no way, want to go back to my pre- 1st pregnancy size. I was entirely to thin, and unhealthy (115 lbs soaking wet). It has a lot to do with how I grew up, and having no money, and trust me when I say this is not going to start a "woe is me" diatribe.  I was just making it known that I have seen both ends of the weight issue, and I am quite happy in the middle..:) I just need to find my "get up and go" that I seemed to have lost in the last few years. I am getting better, for sure, but I find that I get a little frustrated and maybe a little irritated that as a parent, I am supposed to show my kids how to be healthy, how to eat well, get exercise, be happy, deal with emotions, etc. But in the busy lives we lead, a lot of the time, that all gets pushed to the side. Of course, I buy lots of healthy stuffs, but I am just telling them to eat it, and I am telling them to play sports, and ride bikes and get outside.....but I am not doing it myself. Do kids subscribe to the "do as I say, don't do as I do" mantra? No. They see what I do, and figure that if mommy is doing it, it must be ok....like skipping breakfasts, or grabbing a chocolate bar instead of an apple.  For those of you who would say, "well, don't buy the treats"...I say to you - GET REAL.  It isn't like I am buying copious amounts. I am hardly buying it at all, in fact. But they are kids, and part of childhood is those treats and snacks and occasionally junky, gooey yumminess. So there is going to be treats in the house, regardless. And of course, 2 are also in school, and they have to have the good treats...lol. 

In any case, I want them to see me treat me better. I want them to see me take the time for myself. And understand that it is important to do. Because logically, I know it, but actually doing it, is another story.  

So I am starting this new 'regime', if you will. Healthy breakfasts (steel cut oats, egg white omelets, fruit, cereals, etc) then drinking low cal shakes through the day (just made of skim milk, and fresh fruit , and maybe some vanilla extract)...say 2 before lunchtime, one at 9:30ish , the next at 10:30ish. Then eat lunch, (salad, tuna, salmon, sandwich on multigrain breads, etc). Then 3 more shakes in the afternoon, at 2pm, 3pm, and 4pm. Eat supper (just what I would regularly have, cut down, and maybe made healthier) at 6pm or before, and nothing after that but water....or maybe a tea. In the morning, an hour after I eat breakfast, and send the kids out the door for school, I am going to do the Jillian Michael's Shred. Then in the evening, I will go for a walk. I tried running last year, and enjoyed it, but I like to walk more....and the more I read, the more I believe that walking is better.....huh. So.  I will be documenting my eats, my workouts , and my progress. I will probably post pics. It could get ugly...lol. If this sort of thing bugs or bores you, don't tag along! Remember, as of right now...I am doing it for me. Well, mostly. Remember my profile pic? Yeah. About that. There is a woman I know, who is a photographer, and she is doing a boudoir photo shoot in the fall. And I want to do it. Not for me, for the hubby....(ooh laa laa!  hehehe). But before I go flaunting what I got, I want to be happy with it. It's doable. It can happen. I just have to find time in the BIG time rush of life..:D

Images and Reality, what do you see?

           What am I worth?    What is it that makes me valuable to myself, and to others?    Is it monetary, emotional, physical? Is it all of those, and more? Does it matter?
           This is what I have to find out. This is what I need to know. I need to understand my place in the world, in my community, in my family, and in myself. I am by no means, a spiritual/religious person, nor do I want to be. I am comfortable in that aspect of my beliefs. I subscribe to the idea that everyone has the right to believe in any person, God or religion that they choose. I do not believe that anyone has the right to push their beliefs and ideas on anyone else. 

I am sooo new to this whole process...lol. I have sooo many things that I want to talk about, vent about, find out about. I am terrified that my true feelings, and personality will not come out the way I intend in these blogs. But, I am not intentionally doing this for anyone else.  This is for me. In a world of kids, and sports and husbands and meals, I find that though I make time to go out and things, it hardly feels that I am doing it solely for myself. It makes me feel selfish that I say this, as I start thinking that maybe I will touch or help someone else along the way. But is that ego? The thought that anyone will gain anything from this, beyond myself??  It's a conundrum, (fabulous word!)..and I guess waaaay to early to be worrying about! 

I tend to ramble a bit, and I tend to confuse even myself. I am a complicated person, but fun loving. I have a great respect for my kids and my husband (and in the future, when I refer to family, this is who I mean.) 

In my profile, my picture is of a lingerie set.....my goal.  Frivolous?  Silly?  Unrealistic, maybe not "PC". Well, so what. It's my goal. And in here comes the question. Is it an image? Is it reality? Is that all that the picture means? Could that be the most important thing to me, at this point in life? Think about it. Answer it how you see fit. Believe what you want, good or bad. Form your own opinion. Share it with me. Maybe in the future, your answer will change. Maybe it will stay the same. I wonder if my own answers will even stay the same. It will be interesting to find out.  What is your reality?